


Fucking Peace.

by fandomismyship



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Suicide, self-harm mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-24 22:58:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3787489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomismyship/pseuds/fandomismyship
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean decides to go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fucking Peace.

**Author's Note:**

> i got sad

I don’t think I’m going to get better. Everything is a mess, I feel like a mess. I know this is a pretty selfish thing to do- is it, though? Is it not equally as selfish to force me to stay here. People only care about what is fair for them. The big, selfish world. Nobody will notice. Well, I mean, they will, but they’ll notice for a few days, act all sad and get sympathy and then move on to the next sorry sod. It’s always going to be the same.

There was a time when I was happy. I remember smiling a lot before my mom died. When mom died, so did dads sanity and his own happiness. I guess I don’t blame him much for it. I know how it feels now. I’m shocked my dad lasted as long as he did before the alcohol finally killed is liver, and then him. I was sad, for about six months before I made my seventeen-year-old grow the hell up. I was so pathetic, crying over my dads death. I was one of those attention seeking fuckers. Sammy cried a lot too, but Bobby helped him. I couldn’t help my brother. I’m useless.

Castiel might be a bit sad when I’m gone. He told me I was his only friend. Castiel isn’t good at picking friends. I let him see the scars that crowd up my arms and thighs. He kissed them. He said I was still beautiful to him. Castiel lies a lot. Castiel is my boyfriend. Is it selfish to leave your boyfriend? I don’t think it is. Castiel will move on soon enough. Balthazar has been flirting with him, trying to get Castiel to go on a date with him. I’m in the closet, by the way. I don’t know why I am. I just can’t stand getting more people talking about me behind my back. I can’t be the pathetic fag. Castiel would hate me if he heard me use the word fag. He hates it. People call him it a lot, but I can’t stand up and save him- I just let it happen. I’m a coward.

I’ve got pills in my hand. I figured that was the best way to do this. Pills mean no mess, no horrific thing to be cleaned up after. No poor bugger will be left to clean up my blood or brains. It’s considerate. It’ll also be pretty painless. I’ll just take them, go to sleep and that’ll be it. It’s perfect.

I’m leaving a note. Just so people know why. I think it’s pretty stupid to kill yourself and not leave a note- leave people wondering _why_. It’s hard to write, apparently. My hand is shaking a lot. I’m scared, in all honesty, I’m scared of what comes next. Will I go to Hell for this? Will I become the demons I hunt? Does God take people who have killed themselves? I kinda hope He does. It’d be nice if He did. If He did, I’d see Castiel again one day, no way he’d go to Hell. Then again, I am not a good person, so God wouldn’t want me.

I’m going to show you my note now;

_This isn’t me saying sorry. I am not trying to make anybody think that I am sorry for doing this. This is what I want to do. That sounds selfish, doesn’t it? Well, I am selfish. I feel bad for doing this now. I love you Cas, go out with Bal. I’m going to have to go now. I don’t want to write more, I don’t know what to write._

I put my pen down, looking at the scars as I sat in the park, looking about and rubbing a hand over my face. This was right. I opened the cap and it felt so much heavier than it ever did. This is what life brought you to. Pain. Pain. Pain was all you got. I am taking the pills now. I’m smiling, for the first time in forever and it feel so fucking real. I’ve never felt so at peace.

“I love you, Cas,” is all I say before I lie down and let sleep take me. Time to go to fucking peace.


End file.
